The backbone of every man’s wardrobe is his underwear, whether seen by others on a daily basis or not. But it’s all fun and games until the kit comes off. Remember that first impressions last, and whether you’re stripping down for a day at the beach or getting lucky at the local watering hole, a man’s battle armor says a lot about his personality. .
So what does your underwear say about you? Here is the Boss Hunting bell curve of the underwear spectrum, brought to you by Lacoste.
Who are we to yuck another man’s yum?
Some guys enjoy a squirt of Tommy-K with their sausage rolls instead of barbecue sauce. Some guys would rather sink a few tinnies in the sun than in a cool, air-conditioned pub. And some guys actively choose to have their genitals squeezed into a vise-like grip instead of enjoying the delicate support underwear is supposed to provide.
What’s there to be said about carrying budgie smugglers that hasn’t already been said about an M. Night Shamalayan movie? It’s disconcerting, heinous, and nobody wants to see that shit anymore. Unless you’re a professional athlete or work in a water-related profession, you’re just looking for the attention your dad never gave you. Understand it.
Your weekly rotation was pre-purchased for you a long time ago. Speaking of weekly, each individual pair is tagged with your name, childhood address, as well as a specific day.
It’s not your fault that you were forgotten by Peter Panné throughout your childhood and into your early adult life. But the fact remains. To date, you:
- Refuse to eat sandwiches unless the crust has been cut, call fish fingers “fish fingies”
- Maintain a strict bedtime of 9 p.m. (or you’ll be grumpy the next day)
- And have kind of been romantically involved with a grown woman for years now…whom you regularly slip up and call “Mom”
Perhaps Freud was on to something.
You are a renaissance man. A card-carrying member of the dackmaster race who will lead humanity to a brighter future. You understand the importance of having the best of both worlds, and for that you will always be superior. Slim fit…functional…flattering…there’s no punchline here. Just simple facts. And the best boxers of the moment come from Lacoste, which has just relaunched its line of underwear with new designs and fabrics.
Note: Abs sold separately.
This one is for sweaty operators who cook a full batch of spicy jambalaya in their pants when forced to walk more than one set of stairs. So, in an act of adaptation that would make Charles Darwin proud, you chose the most breathable underwear available and never looked back.
We can’t all be built like Baywatch-era Zac Efron or a Victoria’s Secret model. We are ordinary gamblers. Everyone man. We have meat on our bones that doesn’t look like the marble chiselled by the Greek gods, glands that have not been eliminated by scientific intervention, the works. To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum, biology finds a way.
Bonus: you no longer need to mine gold to fish for cloth in that doomed hellscape you call an asshole.
You call every man you meet “old sport” and refuse to talk to anyone more than a tax bracket below yours. The only thing that will give you more space than this baggy garment? The three plots included in your future wife’s dowry payment (as well as cattle and Spanish bullion).
But we’re joking. Cotton boxers are a great clothing choice for any environment where the mercury doesn’t hit double digits. In fact, they look great in your wardrobe next to those knickerbocker pants, vintage one-piece swimsuits, top hat, pocket watch and cane.
Wearing silk boxers in 2022 is like breastfeeding past two. It’s damn uncomfortable to recognize and suddenly no one wants to make eye contact with you.
Face it. The dream is dead. You are not Tupac. You will never be Tupac. Silk numbers went out of fashion with baggy jeans, boomboxes and simulations Friends was a sight worth seeing. And for good reason. All of the above are rightly worth keeping in a pre-9/11 world.
Considering how stuck you are in the past, you’re probably dropping your pants to your ankles in public urinals elementary school style.
You follow Joe Rogan’s medical advice and believe without irony liver king horrible diet is not a one-way ticket to an early grave.
Certainly, it is beneficial to let the kielbasa breathe once in a while. But the last thing your training partner wants to experience when you see him on the bench press is getting mushroom hits repeatedly on his forehead (gentle as that may be).
Unfortunately, no facade that you’re a primitive caveman – preaching about “ancestral life” while being boosted by T injections – won’t hide the fact that your hairline looks like the McDonald’s logo these days. .
Thanks to Lacoste for sponsoring this slightly rowdy article about what your underwear says about you – if you’re looking for new underwear, look no further than their new range of super comfortable underwear at lacoste.com.au